An old West Virginia hillbilly with some financial problems buys a mule from another old hillbilly for $100,
who agrees to deliver it the next day.
"Sorry, but I have some bad news. That dad-gummed mule went and died."
"Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the "accidents" that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing.
Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.
He looked again and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him,
reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped... The bear froze... The forest was silent... Even the river stopped moving...
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,
"You deny my existence for all these years,
teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light,
"It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years,
but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out... The river ran... The sounds of the forest resumed...
...and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together,
bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Taters."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters."
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters."
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them.
It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters."
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing what they promised.
They are called "Hezzie Taters."
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters."
Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will.
They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters."
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your grandmother has ammo on her Christmas list.
11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
16. You can spit without opening your mouth.
17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
20. Your working TV sits on top of your nonworking TV.
21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
26. You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"
27. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
So remember this the
next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your
to a trip to Rome
with her husband.
The rooms are small,
the service is horrible and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when
you get there?"
but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a handsome
and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
and explained that
the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to
step into his private room
and shook my hand! I
knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
The best way to get even is to forget.
Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
Some folks wear their halos much too tight. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth.
Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, perhaps giving “advice” to God isn’t such a good idea!
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.
Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous; you will get knocked down
by the traffic from both ways.
Words are windows to the heart.
A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims that it is a forgery.
It isn’t difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill—just add a little dirt.
A successful marriage isn’t finding the right person—it’s being the right person.
The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.
You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive. It’s all right to sit on your pity potty every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
You’ll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
“The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.
The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.”
And last but not least ~ God gave the Angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE.
the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
in Heaven time is free.