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Prevention of Hijackings    Mule Raffle   Keep In Touch    Modern Proverbs  Negative People 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK 2003 EDITION if...    I know YOU are a "Sweet Tater!"    The Atheist

 

 

 

 

 

Prevention of Hijackings

 

Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same
time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women
we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman,
and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in
hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the
airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

 

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Mule Raffle

 

An old West Virginia hillbilly with some financial problems buys a mule from another old hillbilly for $100,

who agrees to deliver it the next day.


However, the seller drives up in his truck the next day and says,

 

"Sorry, but I have some bad news. That dad-gummed mule went and died."


"Well, then, just give me my money back."


"Can't do that. I upped and spent it already."


"OK, then. Just unload the mule."


"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"


"I'm going over to Ohio and raffle him off."


"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"


"Sure I can. I just won't tell them flatlanders he's dead."


A month later the two meet up, and the hillbilly who sold the mule asks,

"Whatever happened with that dead mule?"


"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."


"Didn't anyone complain?"


"Just the guy who won. So I give him his two dollars back."


 

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The Atheist

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the "accidents" that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing.

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.

He looked again and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him,

reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him.

 

At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped... The bear froze... The forest was silent... Even the river stopped moving...

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,

"You deny my existence for all these years,

teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light,

"It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years,

but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

 

The light went out... The river ran... The sounds of the forest resumed...

...and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together,

bowed his head and spoke:

 

 "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

 

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I know YOU are a "Sweet Tater!"

"Tater People"

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.

They are called "Speck Taters."

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.

They are called "Comment Taters."

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.

They are called  "Dick Taters."

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them.

It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.

They are called "Agie Taters."

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing what they promised.

They are called "Hezzie Taters."

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.

They are called "Emma Taters."

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will.

They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.

They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.

They are called "Sweet Taters."

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK 2003 EDITION if...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

10. Your grandmother has ammo on her Christmas list.

11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

16. You can spit without opening your mouth.

17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

20. Your working TV sits on top of your nonworking TV.

21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"

27. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

 

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Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable...

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior

to a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are
ugly, and they¹re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..."

"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!

The rooms are small, the service is horrible and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome...

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,

but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized

and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder

and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door

and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really...What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?"

 

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Modern Proverbs

The best way to get even is to forget.

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

Some folks wear their halos much too tight.  Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth.

Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, perhaps giving “advice” to God isn’t such a good idea!

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.

Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous; you will get knocked down

by the traffic from both ways.

Words are windows to the heart.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims that it is a forgery.

It isn’t difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill—just add a little dirt.

A successful marriage isn’t finding the right person—it’s being the right person.

The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.

Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them.

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.  To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.

You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive.  It’s all right to sit on your pity potty every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

You’ll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.  If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

“The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.

The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.”

And last but not least ~ God gave the Angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE.

 

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   Keep In Touch

Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense.


As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen, the wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.
So Jake did what most of us would do if we'd been there:
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life and done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked-it looked just like Wyoming!

Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Peter.
(Now, this line ain't needed here but it helps with rhyme and meter.)

So they sat and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three.
Nobody there was keepin' score-

in Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete, "that God will answer prayer,
But one time when I asked for help, well, He just plain wasn't there."

"Does God answer prayers of some, and ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square-I know all men are brothers."

"Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe it's the time of day, the weather or the season.

"Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me-what the heck's the deal?"

Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!

"That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a flying.
You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us trying.

"A thousand angels rushed, to check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a while.

"And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in North Dakota!"


BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH!

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