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Kids Say the Darndest Things   Last Laugh   Things I've Learned from My Children... 

The Things You Hear in Sunday School   "What does love mean?"

 

 

The Things You Hear in Sunday School

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

 

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The Sunday School Teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
 

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here,

He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

 Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"


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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"


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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

 "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've  ever  had."


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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,  "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


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My co-worker's 3-year-old son, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in  heaven, Howard is His name."

" Amen"


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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the  aisle,

he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


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One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked  the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. 

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,

"Pray for me!" "Pray for me!"


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And one particular four-year old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


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A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."


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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
 looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible
 and he picked it up and looked at it closely.

It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found,"  the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"


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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached,
 he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,

"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?


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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?

They're hushers."


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My grandson was visiting one day when he said,

"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,

"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.


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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?

The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"


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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."


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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,

right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

 

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Kids Say the Darndest Things

 

WHO SHOULD YOU MARRY?

 

Alan, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Kirsten, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.

 

 


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


Camille, age 10

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Freddie, age 6

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. (Very wise for his age)

 



HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


Derrick, age 8

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?


Lori, age 8 Both don't want any more kids.



WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?


Lynnette, age 8

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.

Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.  (Isn't she a treasure)

Martin, age 10

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested

enough to go for a second date.


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?


Craig, age 9

I'd run home and play dead.

The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.



WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?


Pam, age 7

When they're rich.


Curt, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

Howard, age 8

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.

It's the right thing to do.



HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?


Kelvin, age 8

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?


 

"And the #1 Favorite is........"


 

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
 

Ricky, age 10

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.  

 

 

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          "What does love mean?"

 

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8-year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think...

 

Rebecca - age 8

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

 

Billy - age 4

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

 

Karl - age 5

"You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

 

Chrissy - age 6

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

 

Terri - age 4

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries

without making them give you any of theirs."

 

Danny - age 7

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

 

Mike -age 6

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him,

to make sure the taste is OK."

 

Bobby - age 5

"Love is what's in the room with you a Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

 

Nikka - age 6"

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom you hate."

 

Jenny - age 4

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both of them."

 

Jessica - age 8

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day."

 

Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after

they know each other so well."

 

Tommy - age 6

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

 

Clare - age 5

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

 

Elaine - age 5

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

 

Chris - age 8

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

 

Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

 

Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me.

So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

 

Bethany - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

 

Karen - age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

 

Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.

But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

 

 

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=== Last Laugh ===

 

A little boy goes to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed.

His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying,

"But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

 

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Things I've Learned from My Children... 

The following came from a woman in Austin, Texas.

 

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
-For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
-For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
-For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house four inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough; however, if tied to a paint can,

to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up in the air when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even doubled paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.



9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says

 they can only do it in the movies. Also, a magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain LEGO'S will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super Glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB & J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a five-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.

22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

23. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.

And last but not least: The First Grade...True Story...
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first little pig was trying to accumulate

the building materials for his home.

She read ".... so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,

"Pardon me sir but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said? "

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy SHIT a talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to talk for the next ten minutes.



 

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