Just Plain Silly

This is my cat "Snuggles"

Main

  Itís A Dogís Life    A Cat's Diary     15 Things we can learn from dogs...    Memo To All Pets

 

 

   Itís A Dogís Life

Things I MUST remember by THE DOG

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the 'fridge or sofa or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater off of my coat before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead or decaying mammals, fish or fowl just because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunches," although they are tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my owners will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. Even though we have a door bell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's lap.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the Trooper's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. To avoid having a string hanging out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.

22. I will not "roll around in the dirt" after getting a bath.

23. I will not fart, belch, or sneeze at my owner while sleeping in their bed.

24. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

25. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

26. The cat is not a squeaky toy... So when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
 

********

Top of Page

 

A Cat's Diary

DAY 752 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage....

DAY 774 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safeties assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

 

********

Top of Page

 

 

15 Things we can learn from dogs...

1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

4. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

5. Take naps and always stretch before rising.

6. Run, romp, and play daily.

7. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

8. Be loyal.

9. Never pretend to be something you're not.

10. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

11. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

12. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

13. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

14. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

15. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

 

********

Top of Page

 

 

Subject: Memo To All Pets

         Dear Dogs and Cats,

 

When I say to move, it means go someplace else,

not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it

becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.


 The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.

Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.


  I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible,

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize

space used is nothing but sarcasm.


  My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.


  For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.

If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow,

try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.

I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition,

I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats' butt.

I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.


  To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...


  "Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:"
  1. They live here. You don't.
  2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
  3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy,

      walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


  Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,

usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

 


********

Top of Page